The book of Ruth isn't terribly interesting unless you have some side notes to better understand the customs and why things happened the way they did. So, as I tell you the story of Ruth and Naomi, I'll also be giving you some lessons in Hebrew culture and language as well.
The Family
This woman named Naomi - which in Hebrew means "pleasant" (1:20 cliffnote b) - married this dude Elimelech and had two sons by him in Bethlehem, Judah. At this time, there was famine in the land, so they traveled to Moab (the Moabites were "sinful" people who worshiped other gods). There in Moab, her two sons married some Moabite women, but none of them had any children. Sometime later, both Elimelech and his two sons had died, so all that was left were Naomi and her two daughters-in-law Ruth and some other broad.
Naomi decided that she wanted to go back home to Bethlehem, so she advised her daughters-in-law to stay there in Moab and remarry. The one daughter-in-law followed her advice, but Ruth insisted that she follow Naomi wherever she went. She no longer wanted to be with her parents or her friends or her gods because she loved Naomi so much. So, together they ventured back to Judah, at which point Naomi told Ruth to call her Mara instead, because "mara" in Hebrew means "bitter". (cliffnote c)
...Because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted [or testified against (cliffnote e)] me, the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me. (1:20&21)
Back in Bethlehem
In a situation like Naomi and Ruth's - since none of them have husbands or sons to carry on the family name, and being that Naomi was too damn old to have anymore kids - it's custom to have the widowed daughter-in-law remarry back into her late husband's family. This is considered a "redemption" and the man who marries her is the "kinsman redeemer".[1]
So Ruth was on the prowl to find herself a husband that's of close relation to her late husband. She decided to go work in a field that belongs to this guy Boaz, whom I'm guessing is like the second cousin of Ruth's dead father-in-law Elimelech or something. He thought she was pretty cool for loving Naomi and abandoning her Moabite ways and adopting the Hebrew culture, so he let her work in his field; even though it's implied that the rest of the Hebrews in Bethlehem weren't too happy about bringing a Moabite into the family (2:22), given the part in the Mosaic Law about the taboo of intermarrying. (Exodus 34:15&16)
The way that Hebrews flirted back then was the man (being Boaz) was to give the woman (Ruth) like a bushel of barley to bring back to her parents (that being Naomi). So when Ruth came back to her mother-in-law with her bushel of barley, Naomi was like "Oooh girl! He wants you!" So Naomi told Ruth to go propose to Boaz, and she gave her advice on how to go about it according to the Hebrew customs.
The Proposal and Customs for Redemption
Ruth went to Boaz's house later that night after he fell asleep and took off his shoes. He woke up all pissy and was like "Who the fuck's taken off my shoes?!" She was like "It's me, Ruth. Spread the corner of your garment over me, for you are my kinsman-redeemer." (3:9)
At first glance, you'd be like WTF's going on here?? Well, fret not. I'll explain this to you. When a woman takes off a man's sandals and asks him to spread his garment over her, it's a way of asking for marriage. If he does spread his cloak over her, it's his way of accepting. Remember, the main requisite for marriage is sex, so I'm taking it as if he spreads his cloak over it, it's like getting two people under a blanket to get busy. Makes sense.[2]
So Boaz would naturally accept such an offer, except he says there is another relative that is closer to her late husband than he is. Which means he needs to talk to said person first to see if it's alright that he marries Ruth.
Now, while it doesn't exactly state this guy's name in my Bible, apparently if you look at the Hebrew Bible (otherwise known as the "Tanakh"[3], not to be confused with the Torah which is the five books of the Mosaic Law) it says this closer kinsman-redeemer's name is Ploni Almoni. Roughly translated, this means "Mr. so-and-so" or "whatshisname". [4]I got a little chuckle out of that.
Well, when Boaz went to go talk to Mr. so-and-so, whatshisname basically said that if he were to marry Ruth, it would be a financial/social suicide. He would basically need to forfeit his own land so that he could inherit Elimelech's land, and thus wouldn't be able to pay his compensation to Naomi. Even if he were to mortgage his own land to pay for the compensation, he still has his own family name to uphold. That, and not everybody in town was happy with the fact that a Moabite woman was living among them. He didn't want to go against God's law of intermarrying. So, the right of kinsman-redeemership was passed on to Boaz, who then married Ruth and had a son named Obed. And they all lived happily ever after. Although it seems that Naomi took all the damn credit, because everybody in town was saying that it was Naomi's child, even though it clearly wasn't. (4:16&17) I'm guessing this is simply because Ruth was a Moabite and they wanted to pretend that the family tree were of pure Hebrew blood.
In Conclusion
Now, here's the super interesting part. If you follow the genealogy, Ruth is actually the infamous David's great-grandmother (whom we'll get into in our next book.) Boaz and Ruth had Obed, who fathered Jesse, who was the father of David. And if you follow even further, all of this eventually leads up to Jesus Christ's genealogy. HA! Christ was not of pure Hebrew blood. [5] Anybody think of Harry Potter the half-blood prince? Teehee.
I think this time we'll skip the prologue and jump right into the book since we have a lot to cover. So after Joshua died at one hundred and fricken ten years old, the Israelites decided to have the people from Judah and the Simeonites go into Canaan and take it over. They took over many cities, including Jerusalem, killing everybody and burning them to the ground and inhabiting them afterward. However, there were some they couldn't completely drive out.
The Lord was with the men of Judah. They took possession of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots. As Moses had promised, Hebron was given to Caleb, who drove from it the three sons of Anak. (1:19&20)
First of all, I would gladly like to note that God couldn't drive out the people from the plains because they have iron chariots. It seems God might have an irrational fear of iron chariots. At least, that's the only conclusion I can come up with, seeing as he's the Almighty who can make the heavens and the earth, who can giveth and taketh away, yet he can't so much as smite a few iron chariots.
Second of all, remember who the sons of Anak are? If you can recall back in Deuteronomy, the sons of Anak (aka the Anakites) are the descendants of the Nephilim, who were supposedly killed back in Genesis by the Not-So-Great Flood.
So, all the people they couldn't drive out, they subjugated them to forced labor as well. Then they divided the Hebrews into these cities and allotted them certain land and what have you. Well, a generation or two goes by, and the parents of the new generation failed to teach their children about God. So as this new generation grew up, they began worshiping Baal (you remember him from Joshua) and Ashtoreth.
Now, something interesting to note here about Ashtoreth. The Hebrews had a way of distorting the gods' original names as a way of mocking the other religions. Ashtoreth was actually known as Astarte, the goddess of sexuality and fertility. She was known to the Greeks as Aphrodite. The Israelites had combined her original name with the Hebrew term for "abomination". (That would be "bosheth" in case anybody wanted to know.) [1]
The Judges
Since this new generation was serving other gods, God got mad and destroyed them all by working with their enemies to defeat them. (2:15) A little while later, God brought up some judges to save the Israelites from their doom. But whenever a judge died, they kept going back to other gods. (As I've mentioned before in the last blog, could it have possibly been because other gods were better at taking care of their people than God was?) So, instead of handing them over to their enemies, he just decided to not destroy their enemies. These other people intermarried with them, and enslaved many others. Eight years later, the Israelites began crying about their hardships, so God sent Caleb's younger Othniel brother to save them and he was considered "The Judge" of Israel. (3:7-11)
This charade pretty much continued a bunch of times, and they went through Judge Ehud, and Judge Shamgar, and Judge Deborah... wait, a woman? Yes, a woman! Not just a woman judge (or "leader" if you glance at the cliffnotes) but a prophetess. Not only did she bring the Israelites out of more slavery and worship of other gods, but she totally wrecked shop on a bunch of other cities - one of which, Sisera, was given to her by God. Some men were a little pissed about it, but they couldn't argue with her. Alright, so God's not a total chauvinist.
So then this happened again with a new judge named Gideon. One day God (or the "angel of the Lord") came down and sat next to Gideon underneath an oak tree to have a little chat. Here's the dialogue.
When the angel of the Lord appereared to Gideon, he said, "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."
"But sir," Gideon replied, "if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the Lord had abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian."
The Lord turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" (6:12-14)
Gideon replied, "If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me..." (6:17)
So Gideon went to fetch an offering to God and he placed it on a rock. Then God did his little magic trick and set the meat aflame, and Gideon then believed it really was God.
But, did anybody notice when Gideon was asking how God could allow all this shit to happen to his people, God totally avoided the question and pulled the whole "Because I said so!" bit? You'll notice these tactics get used a lot when you approach a Christian with a serious question.
Gideon asked God to do a couple more magic tricks, like keeping fleece dry in the morning when the grass is covered in dew. Then Gideon went to kick some ass the way Deborah and all the other Judges did.He heard a man telling a friend about a dream that he had about a loaf of bread tumbling down a hill and knocking down the Midianite camp. Because of this dream, Gideon assumed it was a symbol for the Israelites destroying the Midianites, so they decided to invade and take down the Midianites. (7:13-15)
This dream reminds me of a story I heard when I was in elementary school about the Native Americans back in the day. One of them had a dream that these white men were going to attack them, but the bullets would just bounce off their bellies and they'd be able to defeat the white men without so much as a scrap of armor. Well, guess what really happened?
In the midst of Gideon kicking ass and taking names, the troops were heading to conquer Zebah and Zalmunna and came across some people of Succoth. Gideon asked them if they'd give his troops some bread, and they were like "Nah, you don't really need it." So Gideon was like "Just for that, when the Lord has given Zebah and Zalmunna into my hand, I will tear your flesh with desert thorns and briers." (8:7) Damn!
Then the same thing happened when Gideon died, so Abimelech was the next judge to lead the Israelites. So he did some good things, but then it says that God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the citizens of some city that killed Gideon's brothers back in the day in order to avenge them.
Now, it doesn't specify exactly what an evil spirit is. Although I've spoken of the creation of Hell and what have you, the Bible has yet to explain these things. So this leaves you to either look into other religious/mythological texts, or to simply take a guess. Since we've already covered the myth of the creation of Hell back when we covered Genesis by peering into the Book of Enoch and the Torah and so on, let's take the other route and assumed that we haven't so we can just take a stab in the dark. So, according to the Bible, there has been no mention of Hell, or Satan, or demons, or any of that other nonsense. So where does this "evil spirit" come from? Well, it says that God sent it. So do evil spirits reside in Heaven? (Which, mind you, is still only considered to be the upward direction rather than a place.) So, God is not all good but does rather participate in evil doings? If you look at the dictionary in the back of your NIV Bible, the definition of "evil" is "wicked - doing things against God's will." This leaves you going WTF?
Anyway, so some time later, they went back to worshiping Baal and Ashtoreth (excuse me, I mean "Astarte") and after a few years the Israelites were being taken over by surrounding cities. This time God said,
But you have forsaken me and served other gods, so I will no longer save you. Go and cry out to the gods you have chosen. Let them save you when you are in trouble! (10:13)
And that's basically the end of the appearance of judges. (Although we're not quite at the end of the book yet.)
Bargaining with God
This guy Jephthah was having a dispute with the king of the Ammonites about who owns which land. The king was irritated because the Israelites basically stole their land and he wanted Jephthah to tell them to give it back peaceably. But Jephthah told him that they basically stole it fair and square because God told them to.
Now since the Lord, the God of Israel, has driven the Amorites out before his peope Israel, what right have you to take it over? Will you not take what your god Chemosh gives you? Likewise, whatever the Lord our God has given us, we will possess. (11:23&24)
Hold on a minute. Did Jephthah really just acknowledge the god Chemosh? Like, did he just say that Chemosh gives land to the Ammonites the same way God gives land to the Israelites? Hrm...
Well, understandably, the king wasn't too pleased with this speech, and this made Jephthah pissed. So Jephthah made a vow to God that if he were to hand over the Ammonites to him, then he will sacrifice to God the very next thing that walks out of the door of his house when he returns in triumph. So, God helped him destroy the Ammonites, and when Jephthah came home, his very own daughter came rushing out of the house singing and dancing with joy for her father's safe return. And yup, he burned his very own daughter as an offering to God. Sure, he gave her a couple of months to cry over it before he killed her, but he kept to his word.
Does anybody remember anything about God being strictly against the slaughter and sacrifice of your own children? Well, to refresh anybody's memory, let's take a look at Deuteronomy 12:31.
You must not worship the Lord your God in their way, because in worshiping their gods, they do all kinds of detestable things the Lord hates. They even burn their sons and daughters in the fire as sacrifices to their gods.
It seems like God is willing to make an exception when you make a bargain with him. I seem to remember my mother telling me that you shouldn't make deals with God. Apparently this happens when you do.
Samson!
Here's one of my favorite characters in the Bible. People say that he was a good man of God, which is kind of funny to me because he was the exact opposite. But we'll count the ways when you hear the story.
So there was this couple who didn't have any children because the wife was sterile, until an angel of God came down and told her that around the same time next year she'll have a baby boy and name him Samson. When he grew up, he wanted to intermarry with a girl from the "uncircumcised" Philistines - meaning they're ungodly. No matter how much his parents protested, he married her anyway. On their way to go get this said girl, a lion came flying out of the woodwork and Samson tore him apart with his bare hands (via strength of God I guess). When he came back with the woman to marry her, he saw a swarm of bees and honey inside the lion carcass. He took a scoop of honey out of the carcass and ate some, and then gave some to his parents without telling them exactly where it came from.
Gross, right? Well, apparently God thinks so too. Let's look back at Leviticus 11:27 for specification of unclean foods.
Of all the animals that walk on all fours, those that walk on their paws are unclean for you; whoever touches their carcasses will be unclean till evening.
Well, Samson made a little joke out of this. He told his friends at his wedding a little riddle:
Out of the eater, something to eat.
Out of the strong, something sweet. (14:14)
When some of his friends figured out the riddle, Samson went out and killed a shit ton of people so that he could reward his friends with whatever he had pillaged from those that he killed. But when he returned home, he discovered that one of his friends had taken Samson's wife for his own. And Samson was so furious that he set out to torch the Philistines and their crops as vengeance for his wife cheating on him.
About three thousand men from Judah (remember, these are the good guys) came to take Samson prisoner because his little habit of slaughtering people was just unacceptable. Well, Samson didn't like what they had to say about handing him over to the Philistines, so he took a jawbone from a donkey and killed them all with it. When he was finished, he just tossed the jawbone aside like that ain't no shit.
Then he was like "Hey God! I'm fuckin' thirsty man. Why don't you make yourself useful and gimme some damn water!" So he did.
Some time later, Samson was feeling a little randy, so he went into Gaza to get down with a prostitute. Some of the Philistines heard that he was there, so they camped outside of the city gates and were going to wait until morning to kill him. Well, Samson woke up in the middle of the night, tore the city gates out of the ground, and carried them up to the top of this hill. I'm not exactly sure why he did that, but he did.
Later he fell in love with this bitch Delilah, who was working undercover for the Philistines to try and discover Samson's secret. His "Achilles Heel" if you will. So she spends some time getting busy with him to try and gain his trust, and then she asks him for the secret to his strength. To test her, he tells her a couple of lies to see if she'd go running to the Philistines. And she did. And each time she did, they'd come and try to kill him, when instead he'd just kill them all and run off. Eventually, the Bible says that Samson decided to tell her the truth because he was tired of hearing her nagging and prodding. I think it might've been a little more romantic than that, but whatever. He said that his hair has special powers, and it must never be cut or else he'll lose his super strength. After he fell asleep on her lap, she called to this creepy guy that was lingering in a dark corner all night to shave off his seven braids. Then she woke him up yelling "The Philistines are upon you!" Samson jumped up and was sure he'd be able to take them on, but it says that he "didn't know the Lord had left him". (16:20)
They captured him and tied his hands to the two pillars that were supporting this temple in front of three thousand Philistines, including all the Philistine rulers. Just as they were getting ready to offer Samson as a sacrifice to their god, Dagan, Samson kindly asked God to give him enough strength to take these bitches down with him. Just before he died, he screamed "Let me die with the Philistines!" and he pushed the pillars as hard as he could, and the temple collapsed and killed everybody inside, including Samson.
Right? So Samson was a badass. He didn't take shit from nobody. He ran around and killed whoever he wanted and fucked whoever he wanted and ate whatever he wanted and pillaged whatever he wanted. He defied his parents twice; once when he refused to listen to them when they protested against him marrying a Philistine, and again when he gave them the honey from the lions dead body without telling them. Anybody remember back in Exodus 20:12 and also in Leviticus 19:3 when it says to honor and obey your parents? I would say those were rather disobedient and dishonorable actions. And don't forget the punishment for disobeying/dishonoring your parents... DEATH. (Leviticus 20:9, Deuteronomy 21:18-21) The only two times he spoke to God was when he was thirsty and right before he died. So why do people say he was a good man of God? Well, even though he intermarried with a woman that typically is frowned upon, the Bible says that it was all in God's plan to act through Samson to slaughter a bunch of Philistines. (14:4)
But there is one particularly strange thing about Samson. His mother was sterile until an angel said otherwise. This isn't far off from a miraculous divine conception. He has super human strength and his hair has super powers. It kind of makes you wonder if there was any sexy time with that angel... so could Samson be a Nephilim too? Ah... Now I'm just falling into the rabbit hole. Case in point, Samson rocks.
Some Dude and his Concubine
Alright, so there was this dude and his concubine who were traveling from one place to another. In the middle of their travels, they stopped at this city called Gibeah and they were going to spend the night in the town square. Then this old man comes out and sees them sleeping there, and he was like "What are you two doing?" They explained that they were travelers and they were just passing through. The old man asked where they were going to, and they replied that they were on their way to Jebus.
No, it is actually supposed to be Jebus. (That is, Jerusalem.) Anyway, the old man was like, "Well, you should at least spend the night in my house." So they did, and he gave them plenty to eat and drink that night.
Now let's see if this part of the story sounds familiar to you at all. This time, instead of summarizing it for you, I think I'll just let the Holy Bible do the actual talking.
While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, "Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him."
The owner of the house went outside and said to them, "No, my friends, don't be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don't do this disgraceful thing. Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But to this man, don't do such a disgraceful thing."
But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.
When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. He said to her, "Get up; let's go." But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.
When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel. Everyone who saw it said, "Such a thing has never been seen or done, not since the day the Israelites came up out of Egypt." (19:22-30)
Then the Israelites said, "Tell us how this awful thing happened."
So the Levite, the husband of the murdered woman, said, "I and my concubine came to Gibeah in Benjamin to spend the night. During the night the men of Gibeah came after me and surrounded the house, intending to kill me. They raped my concubine, and she died. I took my concubine, cut her into pieces and sent one piece to each region of Israel's inheritance, because they committed this lewd and disgraceful act in Israel." (20:3-6)
I think you all are smart enough to grasp the severity of this story, but I'll point out a couple of things to you. One minute it's perfectly fine to rape a virgin and a concubine, but the next it isn't. (Nevermind the hacking of limbs of your dead concubine. Yeah, that's
not disturbing at all. By the way, did you notice that he didn't care
too much at first when he found her on the floor? He was just like
*kick* "Hey you, get up!")
But one of the more important things that effects us today could possibly be the idea of homosexuals. Ever notice how, out of all the ridiculous Mosaic Laws, most Christians today still hold fast to the notion that being gay is an abominable sin? This could possibly be where they get this idea from. Aside from "Well the Bible says so", the Bible also gives a very detailed description of how terrible homosexuals are. They gang-rape uncontrollably, they murder at will without remorse or a second thought, because that's just what they do. No, of course you and I know that that's not what homosexuals do. They're just like everyone else, except they simply swing in another direction. But according to the Bible this is what they do. I don't know about you, but this story, in all it's entirety, just makes me sick.
Well, then the Israelites fought some Benjamites, and a bunch of people died. Then they held a festival to God in Shiloh, and there were a bunch of Benjamites lingering like little creepers watching the girls dance.
While the girls were dancing, each man caught one and carried her off to be his wife. (21:23)
And everybody went home. And that's literally the end of the book of Judges. Good news for you is our next book is the book of Ruth, which is by far the shortest book in the Bible thus far. So you'll get a nice little break from my long-winded blogs. ^_^ Stay classy.
Picking up where we left off, Moses is dead and here we have Joshuataking over the situation.
Preparations before Battle
Before we set out into Canaan, Joshua needed to take care of a few things first. One thing in particular is reminding the Hebrews to follow the Mosaic Law.
Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. (1:7&8)
I can't help but touch on this part about prosperity and success. Again, the Canaanites were without God (or at least without the God of Israel) yet they supposedly had the most flourishing land in all the world.Let's jump ahead for a second to view God's reasoning for drought and prosperity.
When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people... will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (2 Chronicles 7:13&14)
It seems that when a land is prosperous and fertile, it's because God is blessing the land, and the opposite goes for when a land is full of sinners. Okay, maybe God was just preparing the Promised Land for the coming of the Hebrews by using the Canaanites. But let's look at this from a multicultural perspective. Remember Baal of Peor back in Numbers 25? Many other cultures - the Canaanites included - worshiped Baal. As we read onward, you'll see throughout the Bible that God appears threatened by Baal and constantly warns the Hebrews against Baal worship. Yes, this was a bad thing to put any other gods before God. Shit, it's the first of the Ten Commandments, both in the original and the new-and-improved. But, as you'll find out, much of the time that the Hebrews go astray, it's to Baal. Well, if you do a little bit of research, you'll find that Baal is the god of fertility and rain. [1] It seems that Baal was doing a better job at keeping his people alive than God was, which explains why the Hebrews turned to Baal back in Numbers and why they'll continue to do so in the biblical future.
But let's not get mythologically ahead of ourselves here. Put two and two together. If you're in a certain location on the globe, you'll likely come across different climate and weather. Since they had no better way of explaining these attributes, they just blamed it on the gods. Just wanted to make that clear, we have more than enough reason to know that God has nothing to do with the weather.
Okay, I've gotten ahead of myself here. Let's continue with the story.
Shortly after they cross the Jordan River into Canaan, they decided to
have a circumcision party. Literally, Joshua just went on a
penis-mutilating frenzy, hacking off foreskins left and right. So many
foreskins, in fact, that they named the place "Gibeath Haaroloth" which
means "hill of foreskins". (5:2-8 cliffnote e)
So after they hacked up everybody's wieners, they headed out to cross the Jordan, which they had accomplished the same way they crossed the Red Sea. The waters divided and created a dry path for them to walk through. It seems like dividing bodies of water is the new trend these days. Everything short of tomato soup, which was later accomplished in 2003. Then they Blair-Witched the place with a bunch of stones so they could tell their kids the story of how God parted the Jordan River.
He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God. (4:24)
Again with the fear. Seriously, God has a complex.
The Fall of Jericho
This battle is very important because it signifies the beginning of their basically never-ending crusades to conquer the world, starting with Canaan. Incidentally, the Canaanites heard about what happened with the Jordan River, so they were afraid of the Hebrews and locked their doors up tight behind their big ass wall. So the Hebrews marched around the wall of Jericho for seven days, then they sounded some trumpets and gave a big hoot n' holler and the wall came tumbling down. Not from any ordinary cause. The Hebrews were just so damn loud that they broke the sound barrier and knocked a wall down from the vibrations. Or something. Kind of makes me think of Horton Hears A Who.
They devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it - men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep, and donkeys. (6:21)
Then they burned the whole city and everything in it... (6:24)
At that time Joshua pronounced this solemn oath: "Cursed before the Lord is the man who undertakes to rebuild this city, Jericho:
At the cost of his firstborn son
will he lay its foundations;
at the cost of his youngest
will he set up its gates." (6:27)
Other Battles
Then a few scouts went into Ai and came back with a report, telling Joshua that they don't need to send a bunch of people into Ai because there are only a few men living there. So they only sent three thousand men to take over Ai. (Now, if that's not a tank in a field of daisies, I don't know what is.) However, God was mad at the Israelites because some guy named Achan took a couple of devoted objects from God. So these few men of Ai killed a whole whopping 36 Israelites out of the three thousand and the Israelites cried "Wee wee wee" all the way home. Of course, the Israelites blamed the death of those 36 on Achan, so they killed him. But God wasn't happy with just his death. Nope. God wanted his sons and daughters stoned to death too. And his sheep. And his cattle. And his donkeys. And even that wasn't enough. They had to burn all of the dead bodies. And then they tossed a bunch of big rocks on top of the ashes. It's a wonder they didn't piss on the grave too. Later, they went back and took over those few men in Ai and burned that place to the ground as well. (Chapters 7&8)
Then some Gibeonites heard how awesome the Israelites are, so they decided to come in peace and make a treaty with them. And they did.
So the king of Jerusalem and a few other kings rose up against Gibeon and attacked them. The Gibeonites cried out to the Israelites for help, so Joshua and his fighting men took the people of Jerusalem by surprise after an all-night march. Then God hurled down a bunch of hailstones and killed more people than the Israelites did by the sword. Then Joshua asked God to make the sun stand still so they could completely defeat the king of Jerusalem. And so God made the sun stand still for a full day. The Israelites killed everybody, then captured the five kings that went after Gibeon and Joshua told the Gibeonites to stomp on their necks. Then they hung their dead bodies on some trees, and then they went home. (Chapters 9&10)
How is this possible for the sun to stand still, you might ask? Well, it's not. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense. But let's take a little peak at the people who might take stories like these at face value.
Need I say more? Moving on.
Okay, so some more people and kings were killed, and some settlements were made and land was allotted to some people, and so on and what not.But, here in this very book, the secrets to God's motivations for all of this bloodshed are revealed! Let's see if this sounds familiar to you.
For it was the Lord himself who hardened their hearts to wage war against Israel, so that he might destroy them totally, exterminating them without mercy, as the Lord had commanded Moses. (11:20)
Sounds a little bit like the bullshit in Egypt, right? Moving on.
It says in chapter 17:12&13 that they were unable to occupy some of the cities because the Canaanites were determined to live there. Ignoring the point that, for whatever reason, God couldn't drive out the Canaanites at that time, it then states that the Israelites subjected the Canaanites to forced labor but did not drive them out completely.
Ain't that a bitch? Being a slave in your own country and having God set his judgements against you just because you're different.
Anyway, Joshua almost took down some old fighting men of Gilead after they had paid their dues and returned home, because they put up a damn altar. But he changed his mind at the last minute because the people of Gilead had to convince him that they weren't putting any offerings or sacrifices to any other god. It was just to symbolize that they helped the Hebrews during their beginning battles. Geez, Josh, take a pill. (Chapter 22)
Then, right before Joshua dies, he makes all the Israelites swear that they'll do what God says. He reminds them that they are witnesses against themselves, but that's not good enough. He, then, sets up his own rock and says,
"See! This stone will be a witness against us. It has heard all the words the Lord has said to us. It will be a witness against you if you are untrue to your God." (24:27)
Hrm... Okay... So it's totally fine if Joshua sets up his own stupid rock, not just for some simple sentimental value, but to actually suggest that the rock has ears and can hear not only what people say, but what God says! Need I remind you what the Bible thinks about things like this? Remember the quote from Jeremiah about Christmas Trees that I cited in the last blog entry? "...The customs of these peoples are worthless... their idols cannot speak; they must
be carried because they cannot walk. Do not fear them; they can do no
harm nor can they do any good." Oh, but a rock is totally a reasonable exception. At least trees aren't inanimate objects!
And that's basically the book of Joshua. Tune in next time when we get to meet the infamous Samson and some other fun crazies in the book of Judges!
I'm probably going to blow through Deuteronomy because much of it is Moses recapping to the Israelites on some of the events that already happened or some of the laws that were already established. Also considering my approach on Numbers was probably a little overwhelming, we should take a little breather from the seriousness. So I'll just point out some things that caught my eye so we can move on.
One thing I'd like to mention is that it's implied that the Nephilim reside elsewhere aside from Canaan. It is elaborated that the Anakites are the descendants of the Nephilim who live in Canaan, and there are others called the Rephaites who lived in Moab. Basically, the same genetic line, different location. (2:20 - also refer to Numbers 13:33 for specification of Anakites) However, it seems that the Hebrews killed most of the Rephaites off. There is also some specific detail of just how huge these descendants of the Nephilim were. [1]
Only Og king of Bashan was left of the remnant of the Rephaites. His bed was made of iron and was more than thirteen feet long and six feet wide. (3:11)
Don't forget to keep in mind that this is all nonsense. Not unless you'd want to consider it to be an exaggeration, and assume that Sun Mingming from Chinese basketball could be a descendant of the Nephilim, although he's not even 8 ft tall. But still he's an effing beast!
ANYWAY... Here's a part where God's full of shit.God says that if you end up doing some bad things, including worshiping other gods or just disobeying God in general, if you decide that you've sinned and want to do God's will again, then he'll forgive you.
For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath. (4:31)
Bullshit! Yeah, so God won't abandon you, except that one time God was having a tantrum over the Israelites being afraid to conquer Canaan for a quick minute, so by the time they came to their senses, confessed and repented, and went into battle thinking God would help them, God was like "so long, and thanks for all the fish!" Yeah, so God won't destroy you, except that one time when he set Aaron's sons on fire because they burned incense without knowing it would piss God off, or killed off 14,700 people because of a couple of guys that wanted to overthrow Moses. Yeah, God won't break his covenant... yet. But oh you wait and see.
Here's one I never quite understood that I've seen mentioned a couple of times. Here, God is talking about what he's going to do to all of the peoples that he's planning on destroying, and he says
"Moreover, the Lord your God will send the hornet among them until even the survivors who hide from you have perished." (7:20)
*Ahem* The hornet??
Oh, this is a fun part where God tells everybody that they all suck.
After the Lord your God has driven them out before you, do not say to yourself, "The Lord has brought me here to take possession of this land because of my righteousness." No, it is on account of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord is going to drive them out before you. It is not because of your righteousness or your integrity that you are going in to take possession of their land; but on account of the wickedness of these nations, the Lord your God will drive them out before you, to accomplish what he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people. (9:4-6)
Yeah, so, if you lose a battle, it's because you suck. If you win a battle... well, you still suck. Interesting logic.
This is a quote I've kept in mind for many debates, when others try to say that God is the only god.
For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords. (10:17)
From my interpretation, this is simply a title that he's just that awesome. Like saying that this is the Cadillac of coffee mugs. The creme dela creme. Not at all implying that there's only one kind of "creme" or coffee mug or lord or god. Just that this is the best of them all (which, in my opinion, God is getting a little too cocky for his britches, but that's just me). Something to think about.
(11:25) "The Lord your God, as he promised you, will put the terror and fear of you on the whole land, wherever you go." Doesn't that remind anyone a little of Al Qaeda at all?
This is kind of fun. In Chapter 13 it says that if there's a prophet or a dreamer who tells you of some stuff and talks about other gods, you're to kill them, and God will appoint a prophet or dreamer of his own. It explains that God is testing your faith by sending an evil prophet to you so you can kill him. Even if they're your own children. One of those "special circumstances" situations. Like, what makes you so special that he needs to test your faith at the expense of another person's life? *shakes head*
Weird: "But if your servant says to you, 'I do not want to leave you,' because he loves you and your family and is well off with you, then take an awl and push it through his ear lobe into the door, and he will become your servant for life. Do the same for your maidservant." (15:16&17)
Here's something that I consider to be very important in debates. A lot of people say that it isn't possible to talk to the dead or there's no such thing as magic because God would not allow such a thing. WRONG.
Let no one be found among you who... practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord. (18:10-12)
The nations you will dispossess listen to those who practice sorcery or divination. But as for you, the Lord your God has not permitted you to do so. (18:14)
Nowhere does it say it isn't possible. It just says it's not allowed. Not to mention, God makes so many exemptions to this rule, Moses included, but we'll see more of this in the future.
In (20:5-9) God is a little considerate for his young soldiers. If a man is so young that he hasn't begun to enjoy his house or vineyard or wife or whatever, then he should go home instead of dying in battle. How nice.
A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this. (22:5)
Oh and for the love of God DON'T take the bird when you take its eggs! (22:6&7)
If a man claims that his bride is not a virgin and he was caught lying about it, he has to pay a fine. But if it's true, the woman must DIE!! (22:21)
Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their fathers; each is to die for his own sin. (24:16)
Nevermind when God punishes seven generations because one person fucked up, or slaughters thousands of children to punish a Pharaoh or two, or goes genocide-happy when a couple of people start whining because they're starving to death. Do as I say, not as I do!
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity. (25:11&12)
In (12:4) it says to not worship God in any other way aside from that which has been instructed by God, because any other way is detestable. Especially if you do worship God the same way that pagans worship their gods. So, when you think about it, you're all doing it wrong.
For example: Ever wonder what the Christmas Tree has to do with the birth of Jesus, or the Easter Bunny has to do with the resurrection of Christ? Well, I'll tell ya. Nothing! That's what! Nothing about Christmas has anything to do with Christ! The tree, holly, mistletoe, decorations, candles, caroling, all pagan tradition celebrating the Winter Solstice and hoping for the swift return of Spring. Being that these evergreens are for-ever-green and aren't hindered by harsh winters, this gives rise to hope for the spring, and decorations often celebrated pagan gods of fertility - again - for the hopes of spring. [2]And Easter, well, that's just a long one in and of itself ranging anywhere between the name of the holiday - which was named after the pagan goddess of spring fertility Eostre - to the fertility symbolism of rabbits and eggs (hence the term "fucking like rabbits"). [3]Even the day on which Christ was supposedly born doesn't correlate with the timing of the holidays. [4]And guess what? All of this shit PREDATES CHRISTIANITY! So then, why are we celebrating Christian holidays on dates that aren't original to the scripture, or in ways that are otherwise forbidden in the Bible? Easy. All the better to Christianize with, my dear. Back in the day, after the Roman Empire adopted Christianity as their official religion, they basically spread among Europe and converted damn near everybody to Christianity. But the pagans weren't going to agree so easily. So they made a deal: We'll let you celebrate however you want whenever you want, as long as you technically say it's in the name of the Christian God. [5]And voila! You have Christmas Trees and Easter Bunnies!
Still think I'm being too fussy? Fine. Let's ask the Bible what it thinks about Christmas Trees.
Do not learn the ways of the nations or be terrified by signs in the sky, though the nations are terrified by them. For the customs of the peoples are worthless; they cut a tree out of the forest, and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel. They adorn it with silver and gold; they fasten it with hammer and nails so it will not totter. Like a scarecrow in a melon patch, their idols cannot speak; they must be carried because they cannot walk. Do not fear them; they can do no harm nor can they do any good. (Jeremiah 10:1-5)
Look it up, bitches!
Random: "The Lord will circumcise your hearts..." (30:6)
Then the Lord your God will make you most prosperous in all the work of your hands and in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your land. (30:9)
Okay, so God says that if you're prosperous in anyway, it's because God made you so. Well, what about Canaan that seems to kick so much ass in prosperity when they're all a bunch of abominable heathens? Okay, so it's possible that God was just preparing that land for the Hebrews. But what about Egypt? Pharaoh clearly stated in Exodus that he had no fucking idea who this "God" was, so Egypt was a pretty "God"less country. Yet, when Abraham set out to go do stuff back in Genesis, he and his sisterwife went to Egypt because the land they were currently staying in was going through famine and Egypt was exploding with prosperity. Although it doesn't specifically say that you can't have a prosperous land without God, it kind of does point all of the credit to God whenever it so suits the situation. Hrm...
Another mention of other gods. Interpret this as you will
They made him jealous with their foreign gods and angered him with their detestable idols. They sacrificed to demons, which are not God - gods they had not known, gods that recently appeared, gods your fathers did not fear. (32:16&17)
Yeah, then Moses died. Pretty much some time shortly after he came down from that mountain where God told him to take a good look at the Promised Land that he's not going to get to step foot in, he died there in Moab. And yeah... that's basically the end of Deuteronomy.
This book in the Bible holds a lot of significance to me.As I read through the Bible for the first time many years ago, I still hadn't lost all of my faith yet. However, this is the book that sealed the deal. I closed my book in tears and ended up putting the Bible down for about six months because I was so disgusted and heartbroken with it, and refused to be involved with this religion. So I would like to approach this book with a level of sobriety and
austerity to effectively portray this book and my reactions as accurately as I can. I would also like to deviate from my habit of disproving and debunking for the sole purpose of demonstrating the Bible's depiction of who and what God really is. Perhaps you'll come to a different conclusion. Let's press forward.
The Calm Before The Storm
In the beginning of Numbers, God tells Moses to take a census of all the fighting men that were able to serve in the army, totaling out to 603,550 Israelites. There were also some separation between the tribes depending on their tasks God has designated for them; for example, God wanted the Levites responsible for the care of the tabernacle of the Testimony, and anyone else that came near it other than the Levites were to be put to death. There are special vows to be taken and more animal slaughter to consecrate yourself to God and making absolutely sure the camp is pure. Basically, God is buckling down and keeping his poop in a loop hard core, so you know something is up.
God has a funny habit of adding in random issues that don't exactly fit among the rest of the situation. This particular funny situation is about unfaithful wives. Basically, if a husband has a suspicion that his wife is cheating on him, she is to go before a priest and drink this "bitter water" that the priest puts a curse on. The curse states that:
If she has defiled herself and been unfaithful to her husband, then when she is made to drink the water that brings a curse, it will go into her and cause bitter suffering; her abdomen will swell and her thigh waste away, and she will become accursed among her people. If, however, the woman has not defiled herself and is free from impurity, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children. (5:27&28)
Let's think about that. The priest gives the woman some "bitter water" to drink, and if she's guilty she'll become infertile and sick. Gee, that doesn't sound like poison and a set-up for failure at all.
On top of that, they definitely didn't forget the details on how to handle the opposite end of the spectrum. Anyone ever hear the rumors of how the Bible is sexist?
The husband will be innocent of any wrongdoing, but the woman will bear the consequences of her sin. (5:31)
Another interesting tidbit is something that God mentions for the first time. He says,
Also at your times of rejoicing - your appointed feasts and New Moon festivals - you are to sound the trumpets over your burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, and they will be a memorial for you before your God. I am the Lord your God. (10:10)
Okay, we know the appointed feasts: the Feast of Unleavened Bread, Feast of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Feast of Ingathering at the turn of the year. But what the hell is a New Moon festival? Like we're just supposed to know this, right? Well, I've dug up a little bit of research on what this could possibly be, but nothing that I've found is certain.
The New Moon festival is a memorial of God's creation of the heavenly bodies, and keeps people in remembrance of his calender month by month. [1]
The New Moon festival is a symbolic festival celebrating how God works and operates according to patterns and cycles. [2]
The New Moon festival is a Jewish festival that celebrates the start of the Hebrew month by preserving the ancient custom of reciting a blessing on the Sabbath preceding the new moon, in which fasting and mourning are not allowed. [3]
The New Moon festival is a celebration among many neopagan religions with a variety of different symbolic meanings attributed to a vast number of ancient pagan beliefs. One of the more common beliefs is that of the Triple Goddess; Maiden, Mother, and Crone, attributed to the phases of the moon. [4]
The Terrors of God
Here's where some of the horrific incidents begin to occur. In the beginning of chapter 11 it says,
Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the Lord, and when he heard them his anger aroused. Then fire from the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp.
Shortly after, the Israelites became hungry and the manna (bread) that God rained down tasted disgusting and they couldn't eat it. They began crying to Moses, and God started getting pissed. Moses was irritated because he felt that God wasn't helping him out at all. He said,
I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now. (11:14&15)
So God felt bad for Moses and decided to help him out by appointing a handful of elders to lighten Moses' burden a bit. Furthermore, God decided to help Moses by sending in a bunch of quail to feed the Israelites. Everybody was ecstatic and gathered a bunch of them up and cooked like nobody's business. But get this;
But while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the Lord burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague. Therefore the place was named Kibroth Hattaavah, because there they buried the people who had craved other food. (11:33&34)
Yeah, God helps Moses out by tricking them and killing a bunch of his people. That's the loving benevolence of the lord for ya.
Reaching The Promised Land
Now we get to the real exciting part of this book. In chapter 13, the Israelites finally reach the outskirts of the Promised Land, Canaan. God told Moses to send twelve leaders into the land to explore it for forty days and come back with a report.When they returned, they brought along with them a cluster of grapes and some pomegranates and figs. They showed them to the Israelites as a sample of just how flourished Canaan really is, saying that it indeed was flowing with milk and honey.
But the men who had gone up with him said, "We can't attack those people; they are stronger than we are... The land we explored devours those living in it. All the people we saw there are of great size. We saw the Nephilim there. We seemed like grasshoppers in their eyes." (13:31-33)
Wait a minute. The Nephilim? You remember what the Nephilim are; the hybrid offspring of angels and humans from Chapter 6 in Genesis. But I thought when God created the Great Flood, everything on earth drown except those on Noah's Ark, right? Well how in the hell did the Nephilim get here?I'll tell ya how. God didn't kill everything on earth by the Great Flood, that's how! Makes you wonder just how "great" it actually was, being that that part of the story was exaggerated, for sure.
Well, after the Israelites heard this report from the twelve scouts, they became fearful and depressed, saying, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in the desert!" Only a couple of people disagreed: Moses, Aaron, Joshua, and Caleb. Then God became angry because they feared the Canaanites instead of believing that God could help them (although you could hardly blame them after all the shit God put them through already) but Moses begged for God to forgive them. Then God says,
I have forgiven them, as you asked. Nevertheless, as surely as I live and as surely as the glory of the Lord fills the whole earth, not one of the men... will ever see the land I promised on oath to their forefathers. No one who has treated me with contempt will ever see it. (14:20-23)
But you - your bodies will fall in this desert. Your children will be shepherds here for forty years, suffering for your unfaithfulness, until the last of your bodies lies in the desert... For forty years... you will suffer for your sins and know what it is like to have me against you.(14:32-34)
They will meet their end in this desert; here they will die. (14:35)
So God's idea of forgiveness is slaughtering thousands more just for being afraid.
God then struck down ten of the twelve scouts with a terrible plague and killed them. (The surviving two were Joshua and Caleb.) Moses told the Israelites what God had said about killing them off. But then,
Early the next morning they went up toward the high hill country. "We have sinned," they said. "We will go up to the place the Lord promised." (14:40)
Thinking that if they confessed their sins and put their faith back in God, then God would forgive them and be with them as they entered the Promised Land; the Israelites entered Canaan with high hopes and spirits, only to be completely slaughtered by the people living in Canaan. God ignored the fact that they had come to their senses and handed them over to their enemies. They never made it to the land of milk and honey. They never made it to the Promised Land.
This is where I put the Bible down for six months. I was so sick and brokenhearted after reading this, I couldn't bear it. I thought to myself, I can't believe this anymore. Even if this god is real, I want nothing to do with him. Even if Heaven and Hell exist, I'd rather perish in Hell than serve this thing in Heaven forever.
Well, heartbroken or not, we move on.
More Terrors and Trickery of God
While they remained stranded in the desert, they noticed a man gathering wood on the Sabbath day. They incarcerated him until they consulted Moses to figure out what to do with him. God told Moses to kill him, so the whole assembly took the man outside the camp and stoned him to death.
Okay, so why did this happen? Well, let's notice that this event took place on the Sabbath day. Remember, we're not supposed to work on the Sabbath day. It's supposed to be a day of rest. "Work" also consists of picking up firewood so you don't freeze to death on the harsh cold desert nights. (At least that's what I gathered. I can't figure out why else somebody would be picking up sticks.)
Well, considering all this death that has been happening and since the Canaanites destroyed those who came into the land, three men (namely one in particular named Korah) rose up and tried to talk Moses into stepping down from leadership. They stood up for the rest of the Israelites, saying that they are as holy as possible. Then they said to him,
Isn't it enough that you have brought us up out of a land flowing with milk and honey to kill us in the desert? And now you also want to lord it over us? Moreover, you haven't brought us into a land flowing with milk and honey or given us an inheritance of fields and vineyards. Will you gouge out the eyes of these men? (16:12-14)
Then Moses got pissed and told God not to accept any of their offerings, and meanwhile he told the men that they and their followers were to present incense in the Tent of Meeting the next day, so God could use it as some sort of tracking device for each individual. Without knowing the reasons why (being that God and Moses were scheming against them) they did as they were told. Now that God knew whose incense belonged to whom (although that in and of itself was kind of funny because God is supposed to know everything already, right?) God told Moses to separate himself from the rest of the assembly.
...and the earth opened its mouth and swallowed them, with their households and all Korah's men and all their possessions. They went down alive into the grave, with everything they owned; the earth closed over them, and they perished and were gone from the community. At their cries, all the Israelites around them fled, shouting, "The earth is going to swallow us too!" And fire came out from the Lord and consumed the 250 men who were offering the incense. (16:32-35)
The next day, the Israelites became upset and told Moses that he was responsible for the death of the Lord's people. Then God got mad and killed 14,700 people from a plague. (16:41-50)
A little while later, the Israelites were dying of thirst, so God told Moses to smack a rock and let the water come out. And he did.
But the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, "because you did not trust in me enough to honor me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them." These were the waters of Meribah, where the Israelites quarreled with the Lord and where he showed himself holy among them. (20:12&13)
This ultimately led to Aaron's demise shortly thereafter, because he "didn't obey God's commands at the waters of Meribah". (20:22-29) What exactly did Aaron do? Well, beats the fuck out of me. There are a couple of ideas, but none are remotely conclusive. [5]
In the beginning of chapter 21, the Canaanites decided to kill and capture some of the Israelites.
Then Israel made this vow to the Lord: "If you will deliver these people into our hands, we will totally destroy their cities." (21:2)
In cliffnote b of my Bible, it states that the Hebrew term for "destroy" refers to the irrevocable giving over of things or persons to the Lord, often by totally destroying them.
In my notes that I scribbled in the pages, I reiterate by saying "bargaining to gather souls".
Some time later, the Israelites were traveling again, and again, they were starving and dying of thirst and all they had left was this detestable food, so they started complaining to Moses again. Only this time Moses didn't didn't feel like asking God for help, and God didn't feel like helping on his own accord. Instead, God sent venomous snakes among them and a bunch of Israelites died.
Balaam
Here's a seemingly useless story that I want everybody to file away. Just trust me. So, there's this king of Moab (a city next to where the Hebrews camped out after some traveling) and he heard of all the cities they've destroyed lately - you know, after God killed a bunch of his own people - and the king was scurred. So he asked this guy Balaam, who specialized in spiritual shit, to place a curse on the Israelites. Balaam agreed to venture out the next morning to the Hebrew camp to place that curse, until an angel came to him and said,
"You must not put a curse on those people, because they are blessed." (22:12)
So Balaam was like "Alright" and pretty much did everything that the angel of the Lord told him to do from that point on. Balaam even went on to make some oracles and spoke against his king, advising him not to fuck with the Israelites or their God. Ultimately, even though he wasn't much of a man of God and wasn't even a part of God's people, he was a good dude who did what God told him to do for that quick minute and went about his merry way afterward. (Chapters 22-24)
One Last Terror
There's a point where the Israelites "indulged in sexual immorality" with the women in Peor and started worshiping their gods. God wanted Moses to take the leaders of those people and kill them and expose them in brought daylight, and then God sent a plague among everybody, and 24,000 Israelites died then too. (Chapter 25)
Miscellaneous
Now this is some bullshit. God tells Moses to go up this mountain and take a good look at Canaan, the Promised Land, that he's going to give to the Israelites. After he sees it, he finds out that God is actually going to kill him before they cross the Jordan River into Canaan. So he'll never get to see the land that God promised to deliver the Israelites to. After all this, after taking them out of Egypt and all those years of crossing the desert, Moses will never see the land of milk and honey. Then Joshua was appointed to succeed Moses. Ain't that a bitch?
Then the Israelites went and conquered the Midianites from Peor, and man they conquered the shit out of them. They killed the women that weren't virgins and children, they even killed Balaam.
Have you allowed all the women to live? They were the ones who followed Balaam's advice and were the means of turning the Israelites away from the Lord in what happened at Peor, so that a plague struck the Lord's people. Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man. (30:15-18)
Hold on a minute. Wasn't Balaam a good guy who did as he was told and blessed the Israelites instead of cursing them like his king told him to do? For one thing, this is the first contradiction in the Bible that I've noticed. For another thing, if, hypothetically, this wasn't a contradiction, then isn't it kind of funny that a single man is able to effectively curse God and his people?Something to think about.
Later, in chapter 13, the Israelites came to Moses saying that they wanted to build pens for their livestock and cities for the women and children. But they wanted to arm themselves and prepare for war against Canaan.
Then Moses said to them, "If you will do this - if you will arm yourselves before the Lord for battle, and if all of you will go armed over the Jordan before the Lord until he has driven his enemies out before him - then when the land is subdued before the Lord, you may return and be free from your obligation to the Lord and to Israel. And this land will be your possession before the Lord. But if you fail to do this, you will be sinning against the Lord; and you may be sure that your sin will find you. Build cities for your women and children, and pens for your flocks, but do what you have promised. (32:20-24)
When you cross the Jordan into Canaan, drive out all the inhabitants of the land before you. Destroy all their carved images and their cast idols, and demolish all their high places. Take possession of the land and settle in it, for I have given you the land you possess. (33:51-53)
As we approach the end of the book of Numbers, right before they enter into Canaan, Moses reiterates some of the major laws they need to keep in mind, like not to marry any of the women from a different clan and what not. But there are some other interesting ones.
Six of the towns you give the Levites will be cities of refuge, to which a person who has killed someone may flee. (35:6) It states later only if the killing is accidental.
The avenger of blood shall put the murderer to death when he meets him. (35:21)
But if the accused ever goes outside the limits of the city of refuge to which he has fled and the avenger of blood finds him outside the city, the avenger of blood may kill the accused without being guilty of murder. The accused must stay in the city of refuge until the death of the high priest; only after the death of the high priest may he return to his own property. (35:26-28)
Do not pollute the land where you are. Blood-shed pollutes the land, and atonement cannot be made for the land on which blood has been shed, except by the blood of the one who shed it. Do not defile the land where you live and where I dwell, for I, the Lord, dwell among the Israelites. (35:33&34)
No... God is against bloodshed? Who'da thunk it?
Before we end this book, I would like to point something out real quick.
The Israelites set out from Rameses on the fifteenth day of the first month, the day after the Passover. They marched out boldly in full view of all the Egyptians, who were burying all their firstborn, whom the Lord had struck down among them; for the Lord had brought judgment on their gods. (33:3&4)
Stop! Rewind! So... that definitely didn't say anything about false idols. That was specifically talking about other gods. Let's think back to Exodus. Remember how Pharaoh's priests were able to match much of the magic tricks that Moses was able to perform? Perhaps that was the power of their gods. Thinking again back to Balaam (assuming you want to believe the story that he actually disobeyed God and put a curse on the Israelites which caused them to be defiled by the Moabites - who worship the god of Peor) and the ability he had to place a curse on God and his people by the power of his god. Is God really the one and only all powerful God? I would like everyone to keep this in mind as we move forward through the Bible.
I'm going to apologize a little for how much I'm going to skip or briefly brush over in this book, but really, it's for your sake as well as mine. Otherwise my fingers would fall off and I'd bore the bajeezus out of you. So I'm basically going to touch on a few of my favorites, as well as some of the more important and/or outrageous laws in the book of Leviticus.
Offerings
This is basically just an overview of some of the different types of offerings you're supposed to give to God. The really meticulous details would just make you want to smack your head against a rock, so we'll skip to the good stuff.
When any of you brings an offering to the Lord, bring as your offering an animal from either the heard or the flock. (1:2)
Burnt Offering
If by bull, sheep, or goats, it must be a male without defect.
Slaughter and skin the animal
Sprinkle its blood all over the Tent of Meeting
Cut them to pieces
Arrange the pieces around, including the head and fat, on the altar
Wash its innards and legs before putting them on the altar
Burn it, because it's a pleasing aroma to the Lord
If by pigeon or dove:
Wring off its head
Drain the blood next to the altar
Remove the crop and feathers and throw it to the east side of the altar (Yup, you throw that shit)
Tear it open by the wings
Burn it, because it's a pleasing aroma to the Lord
Grain Offering
You bake a bunch of bread and stuff
Remember, NO YEAST! For God's sake, DON'T add the yeast!
Burn it
Fellowship (Peace) Offering
If by bull or cow, must be without defect
Sprinkle its blood all over the Tent
Arrange the following:
Remove all of the fat that covers the inner parts or is connected to them, both kidneys with the fat on them, and the covering of the liver.
Burn that, and eat the rest
If by sheep:
Sprinkle the blood all over the Tent
Remove and arrange the following:
Its fat, the entire fat tail cut off close to the backbone, all of the fat that covers or is connected to the inner parts, both kidneys with the fat on them and near the loins, and the covering of the liver
Burn that, and eat the rest
Sin Offering
Basically same shit as above, except there's seven time more blood-sprinkling
Guilt Offering
Basically the same, but with a ram
So I just want to point out here, this is like, straight up sociopathic behavior. You try doing this in your own back yard, and having PEETA on your ass would be the least of your concerns. But this is what God wants!
Random Laws
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, it specifies that;
Or if a person thoughtlessly takes an oath to do anything, whether good or evil - in any matter one might carelessly swear about - even though he is unaware of it, in any case when he learns of it he will be guilty. (5:4)
Next time, kids, remember to keep all of your promises! Or you'll have to go kill a cow and play with its insides to make up for it. So, save a cow, keep a promise.
Anyway, eating blood and fat is forbidden, because only God can eat blood and fat. What's that? You've eaten bacon? Shame on you!
Blah blah blah... more slaughtering shit... Oh, fun story. So, Aaron's sons thought that God would like it if they burned incense in the Tent, but unfortunately God didn't like it so he set them on fire and they died. Then God told Moses to tell Aaron in relation to his sons;
Among those who approach me I will show myself holy; in the sight of all the people I will be honored. (10:3)
And Aaron was all like
Then Moses goes on about a bunch of different things that God tells him to tell Aaron and all the rest of the Israelites. One of which really stood out to me, so I shall share that with you.
Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community. (10:6)
I rofl'd at that one. That's a serious WTF!
Oh let's see... Don't eat rabbits or pigs, or seafood without fins or scales, a whole shit ton of different kinds of birds, and blah blah blah.
After a woman gives birth to a boy she is unclean for a month. If it's a girl she's unclean for two months, and she can't go near anything sacred or else she'll defile it with her grossness. Same with her period too. If anybody touches her, they'll be unclean too. If a dude does her, he'll be unclean for a week. (Chapters 12 & 13)
The No-Fucking-Around Laws
Okay, now for the serious shit we've all been waiting for!
Unlawful Sexual Relations: As far as sex goes, basically no relations with close relatives, don't do things that aren't cool like marrying a woman and her mother, don't have sex with a woman while she's ragging, don't sacrifice your children to Molech the god of the Ammonites - wait... that's not a sexual relation... (18:21) - no bestiality, no adultery, and no man-on-man action (although lesbians and threesomes are never mentioned).
Various Laws: A bunch of these in Chapter 19 are already mentioned in Exodus, both in the falsely-claimed Ten Commandments and in the REAL Ten Commandments, so we'll skip those. Here are some fun ones for you.
Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord. (19:14)
Do not mate different kinds of animals.
Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.
Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. (19:19)
Do not practice divination or sorcery. (19:26)
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. (19:27)
Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord. (19:28)
Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritsts, for you will be defiled by them. I am the Lord. (19:31)
Punishments for Sin
Let's just take a peak at some of the sins that are worthy of the death penalty, shall we?
Curses his mother and father - DEATH
Commits adultery - DEATH
Marries a woman and her mother - DEATH by burning for everybody!
Bestiality - DEATH and kill the animal
You're a medium or a spiritist - DEATH
You blaspheme - DEATH
But, if you marry your sister and commit incest, you just get to move to a different town basically. Probably because Abraham married his sister before God decided it was bad. Good thing Abraham didn't marry a goat, because there might be more bestiality going on in the world if he had.
Ooooh This is a fun one!
No man who has any defect may come near; no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has an eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the offerings made to the Lord by fire. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy. (21:18-23)
Chew on that one for a while.
Punishment for Disobedience
Basically, God fucks your shit up if you don't listen to him and carry out his commands.
I will bring upon you sudden terror, wasting disease and fever that will destroy your sight and drain away your life. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it. I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies... (26:14-17)
I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you so few in number that your roads will be deserted. (26:22)
If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters.(26:27-29)
I will lay waste to the land, so that your enemies who live there will be appalled. (26:32)
Then the land will enjoy its sabbath years all the time that it lies desolate and you are in the country of your enemies; then the land will rest and enjoy its sabbaths. (26:34)
Those of you who are left will waste away in the lands of their enemies because of their sins; also because of their fathers' sins they will waste away. (26:39)
So, if you don't do what God says, then you're going to be plagued with deadly diseases, you'll get wild animals sent against you, you'll be forced to eat your children, God's going to wreck shop on your land, you'll be killed by your enemies or just "waste away". Yeah, just pass me the kool-aid and I'm on board.
In Conclusion We can safely say that we dove into much of the Mosaic Law that is constantly referenced back and forth throughout the Bible. There's still much more to go, but this is like the creme de la creme of the Mosaic Law. Up next in the book of Numbers, our stars finally find themselves on the outskirts of Canaan (the Promise Land of milk and honey). What mysteries await them just beyond the borders? And who's the surprise special guest-star that they find in Canaan? Can Moses and his buddies make it inside the land safely? Find out next time on The Bible Uncensored!
I'm probably going to be a touch more serious with this book because, where Genesis can be quite ambiguous and open to interpretation, much about Exodus claims for itself to be fact, and in result directly relates to "extremist" Christians and the root of the more barbaric culture that is Islam today. The book of Exodus (along with Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy) are extremely important because it is constantly referenced all throughout the Bible.
Early Years of Moses
Here's where we get into the popular story about Moses. The Pharaoh saw that the Israelites were growing in number, so he enslaved them and slaughtered their firstborn sons to keep their population down. When Moses was born, his mother set him in a basket and sent him through the reeds down the Nile river to escape this fate. Pharaoh's daughter found him and adopted him as her son. When Moses grew up, he killed an Egyptian for beating a Hebrew, and when Pharaoh found out, he tried killing Moses. So Moses ran away from Egypt and got married to the priest - Jethro's - daughter and had a baby and became a shepherd. One day, he came to Horeb - the "mountain of God" (3:1) anybody else thought of Mount Olympus? - and there God appeared to him in the form of a burning bush, revealing to Moses his actual heritage as a Hebrew rather than an Egyptian. He told Moses that he will be in charge of delivering the Hebrews out of Egypt. And Moses was like "Yeah, okay, and what am I supposed to tell the Israelites when they ask who this god is that has ignored their cries and pain and torture until now?" God replies,
I AM THAT I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you'. (3:14)
Thanks for clearing that up, God. Then God says,
The elders of Israel will listen to you. Then you and the elders are to go to the king of Egypt and say to him, "The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. Let us take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God." But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. So I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. (3:18-20)
Note: Letting his people go wasn't a part of the original deal. God just wanted them to pay tribute to him for a quick minute.
So, God grants Moses special powers to be able to turn his staffinto a snake, turn his own hand leprous after sticking it in his pocket, and turn water into blood to prove to the Egyptians that God is real.
Then the Lord said to Moses, "When you return to Egypt, see that you perform before Pharaoh all the wonders I have given you the power to do. But I will harden his heart so that he will not let the people go. Then say to Pharaoh, 'This is what the Lord says: Israel is my firstborn son, and I told you "Let my son go, so he may worship me." But you refused to let him go, so I will kill your firstborn son.'" (4:21-23)
Let's just break this down a bit, in case you didn't catch all of it. First of all, God says that he will "harden Pharaoh's heart" so that he won't let the Hebrews go... on purpose! Why? So he can then stretch out his hand and strike Egypt will all his wonders. Not just Pharaoh, no. But all innocent people within Egypt. (Although, even if it was just Pharaoh, there still raises the moral issue of, well, Pharaoh didn't have any choice but to refuse Moses because GOD HARDENED HIS HEART!) Why? To instill the fear of God in the world and to make himself known. Yup. God sure is a swell guy, ain't he?
So, Moses went back to Egypt and performed these miracles to the Israelites so they would believe him. He reunited with his biological brother, Aaron, and together they went to Pharaoh and said,
This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: "Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the desert." (5:1)
Pharaoh replied by saying "Who is the Lord, that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the Lord and I will not let Israel go." (5:2) Pharaoh became irritated with this nuisance and, in retaliation, basically doubled the Hebrew slaves' work load to try and keep them from rising against him. The Israelites grew angry at Moses for worsening their problems as a result, and refused to listen to him. But, diligently, Moses tried again.
The Plagues
He went and turned his staff into a snake and the Nile into blood. Oddly enough, Pharaoh's priests could conjure up the exact same magic, so Pharaoh was unimpressed and continued to ignore Moses' demands (remember, because God hardened his heart). A week later, God tells Moses to begin doing God's wonders with his staff and bare hands.
Plague of Blood
We've already covered this when Moses turned the Nile into blood
Plague of Frogs
Pharaoh says to Moses, "Pray to the Lord to take the frogs away from me and my people, and I will let your people go to offer sacrifices to the Lord." (8:8) But when there was relief, God hardened Pharaoh's heart again and wouldn't let the Hebrews go.
Plague of Gnats
Here's where the magicians were like "We quit! This is the finger of God!"
Plague of Flies
Again, Pharaoh asks Moses to pray for him and take the plague away. "I will let you go to offer sacrifices to the Lord your God in the desert, but you must not go very far. Now pray for me." (8:28) And again, God hardened his heart and made Pharaoh take back his agreement.
Plague of Livestock
Plague of Boils
Plague of Hail
God says he sends this plague "so you may know that there is no one like
me in all the earth... I have raised [Pharaoh] up for this very
purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be
proclaimed in all the earth." (9:14&16)
Plague of Locusts
God said to Moses, "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart... so that I may perform these miraculous signs of mine among them that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians and how I performed my signs among them, and that you may know that I am the Lord." (10:1-2)
This plague was to "devour what little you have left after the hail". (10:5)
Pharaoh quickly begged again when this plague began, "I have sinned against the Lord your God and against you. Now forgive my sin once more and pray to the Lord your God to take this deadly plague away from me." Again, God hardened his heart.
Notice a pattern here, that Pharaoh in his natural state does want to let the Hebrews go? He keeps repenting, but God won't allow it just so he can smite the world out of pride.
Plague of Darkness
Here Pharaoh get's so enraged that he tells Moses to make sure he doesn't appear before him again, or he will have Moses killed. Moses replies, "Surely as you say, I will never appear before you again." (10:28&29)
Plague on the Firstborn
God said to Moses, "I will bring one more plague on Pharaoh and on Egypt. After that he will let you go from here, and when he does, he will drive you out completely." (11:1)
This is the first time that full-on deliverance from Egypt is mentioned
God said, "About midnight I will go throughout Egypt. Every firstborn son in Egypt will die, from the firstborn son of Pharaoh, who sits on the throne, to the firstborn son of the slave girl, who is at her hand mill, and all the firstborn of the cattle as well. There will be loud wailing throughout Egypt - worse than there ever has been or ever will be again. But among the Israelites not a dog will bark at any man or animal. Then you will know that the Lord makes a distinction between Egypt and Israel." (11:4-7)
The Passover- Moses told the Israelites what God had told him, to go at once and take the blood of a lamb and smear it around the doorframes to their houses. No one should go out of their homes until morning. "When the Lord goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, he will see the blood on the... doorframe and will pass over that doorway, and will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down." (12:21-23)
There's a destroyer that God needs to permit to go forward with their actions? Could this be our angel of death and not actually God himself?
(12:30) "...and there was a loud wailing in Egypt, for there was not a house without someone dead."
During the night Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and said, "Up! Leave my people, you and the Israelites! Go worship the Lord as you have requested. Take your flocks and herds, as you have said, and go. And also bless me. (12: 31&32)
(I lol'd at that last part there.)
Alright, let's take a break from the plot for a moment to discuss what just happened. So, God endows Moses with all these awesome powers to bring on plagues and things - not to try and persuade Pharaoh to let his people go, because Pharaoh's just God's zombie finger puppet who's only purpose is to give God a forged and fixed justification to be angry and smite an entire country to prove he's better than everyone else. Pharaoh otherwise repetitively has a change of heart and permits them to leave, while begging for forgiveness. It's God who keeps hardening his heart so that all these people may suffer and die so God can flaunt his big dick around. It goes to such an extent where God kills (or has someone else kill) every single firstborn son in Egypt. All the innocent children. Dead.
Now let's take a break from all this drama and try to adjust back to reality before we press on. Yeah, so, this never really happened. At best, it's a hugely dramatized version of a migration of peoples from one place to another toward the end of the Bronze Age and begin a basic pilgrimage over the course of several generations. At best! Even still, there's hardly any room for an actual Moses, given the timeline is all fucked up and there really isn't much (if any) real evidence to support such a claim. If anything, this story is more likely to be a historical novella.[1]
But, real or not, it's important to understand that approximately 2.3 billion people around the world not only buy into this shit, but support it. How sick is that? [2]
So now we can proceed a little more lightheartedly. ^_^
The Red Sea
Anyway, so God turned himself into a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night to guide the Israelites' to the Promise Land of milk and honey (Canaan) as they head out of Egypt toward the desert. Then God decided to change his mind and harden Pharaoh's heart again, instead of just leaving well-enough alone.
And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord. (14:4)
Of course, close to total genocide to the point of even destroying their cattle wouldn't suffice. And yeah, to avoid being slaughtered on the Passover, slaughter something else and smear your house with its blood. That's not enough. Must-Kill-More!
Pharaoh and his army chased the Israelites to the Red Sea, where God told Moses to raise his staff and part the waters so that they stand up as walls to create a path for them to travel though. (In the meantime, the "angel of God" stood between the armies and the Israelites to keep them safe.) When the Hebrews made it to safety, Pharaoh's army was able to pursue them again into the opened sea, and God closed the sea so that it devoured them.
Well on their way, the Israelites started complaining that they were hungry - so hungry that they were saying that it would've been better if they'd stayed in Egypt. So God decided that he'd rain down bread from heaven every day except Sunday, because they needed to just sit around and not do anything in gratitude for the day that God rested after he created the world in six days... or some such nonsense. It's rainin' bread! Hallelujah! It's rainin' bread! *dances* He does the same thing with water, basically, only Moses has to smack water out of a rock when the Israelites are thirsty. Although Moses gets all pissy when his people start complaining about how they're literally dying of thirst, like they're spoiled brats or something. (17:2&3) Not everybody was a prince of Egypt MOSES!
Well, I bet you're probably thinking, Gee, maybe this god really ain't so bad. He gives them bread and water when they're dying and leads them to the Promised Land. Well, stay tuned kids.
In The Desert on Mount Sinai - The Ten Commandments Incidentally, when God wasn't looking, the Amalekites attacked the Israelites and killed off a bunch until Moses figured out that if he lifted his hands in the air then they could win the battle for some odd reason.
God decides that Moses should climb to the top of Mount Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights while God tells him what the Ten Commandments are (although if you look - Chapter 20 - it never actually refers to them at the Ten Commandments, only the header does). In the meantime, everybody else has to sit at the bottom of the mountain or else they'll die. I'm sure you know how this goes:
Thou shall have no other gods before me.
Thou shall not worship false idol.
Thou shall not take the Lord's name in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy.
Honor thy father and mother.
Thou shall not murder
Thou shall not commit adultery.
Thou shall not steal.
Thou shall not lie about thy neighbor.
Thou shall not covet they neighbor's wife.
Relatively familiar, right? Nevermind the laws about sticking a Hebrew Servants' ears to a door by piercing an awl through their lobe in order to declare them yours forever, or the "eye-for-an-eye, tooth-for-a-tooth" business. (Chapter 21 if you want to know.)
Completely disregard the law that if a guy sleeps with a virgin, she must marry him; to kill sorceresses and those who worship other gods; to be nice to aliens and offer them hospitality before sending them on their way; don't charge interest on a loan; and especially forget about the law where you have to sacrifice a lamb in place of your firstborn sons - unless you don't have a lamb then you are to wring its neck (Chapter 22).
Oh, and there's totally nothing important about the Three Annual Festivals we're supposed to have. You know, to celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread (because God has an allergy to yeast or something), the Feast of Harvest with the firstfruits of one's crops, and the Feast of Ingathering at the end of the year when you gather your crops. (23:14-19)
I hope you've figured out by now that I'm being sarcastic. Because it is important. I also would just like to point out all of these sacrifices that are going on, like, with all these awesome blood baths and playing with animals' innards and smearing them on shit. The Ark of the Covenant is kind of important, because people carry this bitch around everywhere. It's a little ark where they put the two stone tablets with the Ten Commandments in, and you have to make sure you don't touch the ark because if you do, you die.
The Golden Calf and The New-and-Improved Ten Commandments
Well, all this time that God is on this mountain telling Moses what the Law is (yes they're still on the mountain) and to write all this shit down on a couple of stone tablets - remember this took 40 days and 40 nights - the Israelites got all nervous and thought that God ate him or something. So they decided to toss their gold into the fire and make a Golden Calf and worship that. Considering God has been out to lunch for the past month and a half, the idol would probably serve a better purpose. Not long after, Moses finally comes down the mountain and sees his people worshiping a Golden Calf, and he gets so pissed that he smashes the Ten Commandments and Miscellaneous Laws tablets into pieces. Then he tells the Israelites a God-inspiring command - to take their swords and slaughter each other. Whoever comes out victorious... well... lives. Three THOUSAND people died. Well, I suppose that's better than the original alternative, which was to just kill them all. Isn't God thoughtful?
So, then God told Moses to come back up on the mountain to try this tablet thing again, since he smashed the last two.
God says not to trust the people who live in Canaan (the Promised Land of milk and honey) but they're to break down their altars, smash their sacred stones and cut down their Asherah poles. Now, watch closely at what's happening. (34:14-26)
*Just to note: Asherah is the goddess of the Canaanites (among others)
Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. Be careful not to make a treaty with those who live in the land; for when they prostitute themselves to their gods... and when you choose some of their daughters as wives for your sons... they will lead your sons to do the same.
Do not make cast idols.
Celebrate the Feast of Unleavened Bread. For seven days eat bread made without yeast.
The first offspring of every womb belongs to me.
No one is to appear before me empty-handed.
Six days you shall labor, but on the seventh day you shall rest.
Celebrate the Feast of Weeks with the firstfruits of the wheat harvest, and the Feast of Ingathering at the turn of the year.
Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast, and do not let any of the sacrifices from the Passover Feast remain until morning.
Bring the best of the firstfruits of your soil to the house of the Lord your God.
Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk.
Still don't quite grasp the gravity of the situation? Well, why should I explain it for you when the Bible can do a perfect job all by itself!
Then the Lord said to Moses, "Write down these words, for in accordance with these words I have made a covenant with you and with Israel." Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant - the Ten Commandments. (34:27&28)
BOOM! What?! OMGGGG!!! Yeah, I went there. Break out the torches and pitch forks. These are the new and improved Ten Commandments. These are the ones that are in the Ark of the Covenant! These are the ones in the temple of Jerusalem! These are the commandments that won wars and formed settlements, these are the actual commandments that we are supposed to follow! Because, remember, the original "Ten Commandments" only lasted for about five fucking minutes.
Alright, moving on and summing shit up. So they make a bunch of crap and decide that it's holy. There's really nothing important you need to know about all the holy crap they make, aside from the fact that there's a bunch of random crap that we're supposed to do that we're not actually doing; like have a special lampstand and table, and how to make a tabernacle, and priestly garments, and other random crap like that. Let's see... Oh, and Aaron
appoints himself as high priest and decides that only his decedents can
be priests. (Yes, remember that kids.)
In Conclusion
Well, we got to learn about the beginning of Moses. Oh yeah, we still have a long way to go before this dude buys the farm. We get to experience the vanity, pride, and short temper of God and how poorly he treats his people. When you put this into perspective of all the people in the world who support this mythology, it really makes you wonder about humanity as a whole. Tune in next time, and we'll get to see some real no-fucking-around laws in our next book.
