Offerings
This is basically just an overview of some of the different types of offerings you're supposed to give to God. The really meticulous details would just make you want to smack your head against a rock, so we'll skip to the good stuff.
When any of you brings an offering to the Lord, bring as your offering an animal from either the heard or the flock. (1:2)
- Burnt Offering
- If by bull, sheep, or goats, it must be a male without defect.
- Slaughter and skin the animal
- Sprinkle its blood all over the Tent of Meeting
- Cut them to pieces
- Arrange the pieces around, including the head and fat, on the altar
- Wash its innards and legs before putting them on the altar
- Burn it, because it's a pleasing aroma to the Lord
- If by pigeon or dove:
- Wring off its head
- Drain the blood next to the altar
- Remove the crop and feathers and throw it to the east side of the altar
(Yup, you throw that shit) - Tear it open by the wings
- Burn it, because it's a pleasing aroma to the Lord
- Grain Offering
- You bake a bunch of bread and stuff
- Remember, NO YEAST! For God's sake, DON'T add the yeast!
- Burn it
- Fellowship (Peace) Offering
- If by bull or cow, must be without defect
- Sprinkle its blood all over the Tent
- Arrange the following:
- Remove all of the fat that covers the inner parts or is connected to them, both kidneys with the fat on them, and the covering of the liver.
- Burn that, and eat the rest
- If by sheep:
- Sprinkle the blood all over the Tent
- Remove and arrange the following:
- Its fat, the entire fat tail cut off close to the backbone, all of the fat that covers or is connected to the inner parts, both kidneys with the fat on them and near the loins, and the covering of the liver
- Burn that, and eat the rest
- Sin Offering
- Basically same shit as above, except there's seven time more blood-sprinkling
- Guilt Offering
- Basically the same, but with a ram
Random Laws
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, it specifies that;
Or if a person thoughtlessly takes an oath to do anything, whether good or evil - in any matter one might carelessly swear about - even though he is unaware of it, in any case when he learns of it he will be guilty. (5:4)Next time, kids, remember to keep all of your promises! Or you'll have to go kill a cow and play with its insides to make up for it. So, save a cow, keep a promise.
Anyway, eating blood and fat is forbidden, because only God can eat blood and fat. What's that? You've eaten bacon? Shame on you!
Blah blah blah... more slaughtering shit... Oh, fun story. So, Aaron's sons thought that God would like it if they burned incense in the Tent, but unfortunately God didn't like it so he set them on fire and they died. Then God told Moses to tell Aaron in relation to his sons;
Among those who approach me I will show myself holy; in the sight of all the people I will be honored. (10:3)
And Aaron was all like
Then Moses goes on about a bunch of different things that God tells him to tell Aaron and all the rest of the Israelites. One of which really stood out to me, so I shall share that with you.
Do not let your hair become unkempt, and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community. (10:6)I rofl'd at that one. That's a serious WTF!
Oh let's see... Don't eat rabbits or pigs, or seafood without fins or scales, a whole shit ton of different kinds of birds, and blah blah blah.
After a woman gives birth to a boy she is unclean for a month. If it's a girl she's unclean for two months, and she can't go near anything sacred or else she'll defile it with her grossness. Same with her period too. If anybody touches her, they'll be unclean too. If a dude does her, he'll be unclean for a week. (Chapters 12 & 13)
The No-Fucking-Around Laws
Okay, now for the serious shit we've all been waiting for!
- Unlawful Sexual Relations: As far as sex goes, basically no relations with close relatives, don't do things that aren't cool like marrying a woman and her mother, don't have sex with a woman while she's ragging, don't sacrifice your children to Molech the god of the Ammonites - wait... that's not a sexual relation... (18:21) - no bestiality, no adultery, and no man-on-man action (although lesbians and threesomes are never mentioned).
- Various Laws: A bunch of these in Chapter 19 are already mentioned in Exodus, both in the falsely-claimed Ten Commandments and in the REAL Ten Commandments, so we'll skip those. Here are some fun ones for you.
Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord. (19:14)Punishments for Sin
Do not mate different kinds of animals.
Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed.
Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. (19:19)
Do not practice divination or sorcery. (19:26)
Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. (19:27)
Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord. (19:28)
Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritsts, for you will be defiled by them. I am the Lord. (19:31)
Let's just take a peak at some of the sins that are worthy of the death penalty, shall we?
Curses his mother and father - DEATH
Commits adultery - DEATH
Marries a woman and her mother - DEATH by burning for everybody!
Bestiality - DEATH and kill the animal
You're a medium or a spiritist - DEATH
You blaspheme - DEATH
But, if you marry your sister and commit incest, you just get to move to a different town basically. Probably because Abraham married his sister before God decided it was bad. Good thing Abraham didn't marry a goat, because there might be more bestiality going on in the world if he had.
Ooooh This is a fun one!
No man who has any defect may come near; no man who is blind or lame, disfigured or deformed; no man with a crippled foot or hand, or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has an eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. No descendant of Aaron the priest who has any defect is to come near to present the offerings made to the Lord by fire. He has a defect; he must not come near to offer the food of his God. He may eat the most holy food of his God, as well as the holy food; yet because of his defect, he must not go near the curtain or approach the altar, and so desecrate my sanctuary. I am the Lord, who makes them holy. (21:18-23)Chew on that one for a while.
Punishment for Disobedience
Basically, God fucks your shit up if you don't listen to him and carry out his commands.
I will bring upon you sudden terror, wasting disease and fever that will destroy your sight and drain away your life. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it. I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies... (26:14-17)So, if you don't do what God says, then you're going to be plagued with deadly diseases, you'll get wild animals sent against you, you'll be forced to eat your children, God's going to wreck shop on your land, you'll be killed by your enemies or just "waste away". Yeah, just pass me the kool-aid and I'm on board.
I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you so few in number that your roads will be deserted. (26:22)
If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters.(26:27-29)
I will lay waste to the land, so that your enemies who live there will be appalled. (26:32)
Then the land will enjoy its sabbath years all the time that it lies desolate and you are in the country of your enemies; then the land will rest and enjoy its sabbaths. (26:34)
Those of you who are left will waste away in the lands of their enemies because of their sins; also because of their fathers' sins they will waste away. (26:39)
In Conclusion
We can safely say that we dove into much of the Mosaic Law that is constantly referenced back and forth throughout the Bible. There's still much more to go, but this is like the creme de la creme of the Mosaic Law. Up next in the book of Numbers, our stars finally find themselves on the outskirts of Canaan (the Promise Land of milk and honey). What mysteries await them just beyond the borders? And who's the surprise special guest-star that they find in Canaan? Can Moses and his buddies make it inside the land safely? Find out next time on The Bible Uncensored!
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