Deuteronomy

I'm probably going to blow through Deuteronomy because much of it is Moses recapping to the Israelites on some of the events that already happened or some of the laws that were already established.  Also considering my approach on Numbers was probably a little overwhelming, we should take a little breather from the seriousness.   So I'll just point out some things that caught my eye so we can move on.

One thing I'd like to mention is that it's implied that the Nephilim reside elsewhere aside from Canaan.  It is elaborated that the Anakites are the descendants of the Nephilim who live in Canaan, and there are others called the Rephaites who lived in Moab.  Basically, the same genetic line, different location.  (2:20 - also refer to Numbers 13:33 for specification of Anakites)  However, it seems that the Hebrews killed most of the Rephaites off.  There is also some specific detail of just how huge these descendants of the Nephilim were. [1]

Only Og king of Bashan was left of the remnant of the Rephaites.  His bed was made of iron and was more than thirteen feet long and six feet wide.  (3:11)

Don't forget to keep in mind that this is all nonsense.  Not unless you'd want to consider it to be an exaggeration, and assume that Sun Mingming from Chinese basketball could be a descendant of the Nephilim, although he's not even 8 ft tall.  But still he's an effing beast!

ANYWAY... Here's a part where God's full of shit.  God says that if you end up doing some bad things, including worshiping other gods or just disobeying God in general, if you decide that you've sinned and want to do God's will again, then he'll forgive you.

For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath.  (4:31)

Bullshit!  Yeah, so God won't abandon you, except that one time God was having a tantrum over the Israelites being afraid to conquer Canaan for a quick minute, so by the time they came to their senses, confessed and repented, and went into battle thinking God would help them, God was like "so long, and thanks for all the fish!"  Yeah, so God won't destroy you, except that one time when he set Aaron's sons on fire because they burned incense without knowing it would piss God off, or killed off 14,700 people because of a couple of guys that wanted to overthrow Moses.  Yeah, God won't break his covenant... yet.  But oh you wait and see.

 

Here's one I never quite understood that I've seen mentioned a couple of times.  Here, God is talking about what he's going to do to all of the peoples that he's planning on destroying, and he says 

"Moreover, the Lord your God will send the hornet among them until even the survivors who hide from you have perished."  (7:20)

*Ahem*  The hornet??

Oh, this is a fun part where God tells everybody that they all suck.

After the Lord your God has driven them out before you, do not say to yourself, "The Lord has brought me here to take possession of this land because of my righteousness."  No, it is on account of the wickedness of these nations that the Lord is going to drive them out before you.  It is not because of your righteousness or your integrity that you are going in to take possession of their land; but on account of the wickedness of these nations, the Lord your God will drive them out before you, to accomplish what he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.  (9:4-6)

Yeah, so, if you lose a battle, it's because you suck.  If you win a battle... well, you still suck.  Interesting logic.

This is a quote I've kept in mind for many debates, when others try to say that God is the only god.

For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords.  (10:17)

 From my interpretation, this is simply a title that he's just that awesome.  Like saying that this is the Cadillac of coffee mugs.  The creme dela creme.  Not at all implying that there's only one kind of "creme" or coffee mug or lord or god.  Just that this is the best of them all (which, in my opinion, God is getting a little too cocky for his britches, but that's just me).  Something to think about.

(11:25)  "The Lord your God, as he promised you, will put the terror and fear of you on the whole land, wherever you go."  Doesn't that remind anyone a little of Al Qaeda at all?

This is kind of fun.  In Chapter 13 it says that if there's a prophet or a dreamer who tells you of some stuff and talks about other gods, you're to kill them, and God will appoint a prophet or dreamer of his own.  It explains that God is testing your faith by sending an evil prophet to you so you can kill him.  Even if they're your own children.  One of those "special circumstances" situations.  Like, what makes you so special that he needs to test your faith at the expense of another person's life?  *shakes head*

Weird:  "But if your servant says to you, 'I do not want to leave you,' because he loves you and your family and is well off with you, then take an awl and push it through his ear lobe into the door, and he will become your servant for life.  Do the same for your maidservant."  (15:16&17)

Here's something that I consider to be very important in debates.  A lot of people say that it isn't possible to talk to the dead or there's no such thing as magic because God would not allow such a thing.  WRONG.

Let no one be found among you who... practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist who consults the dead.  Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord.  (18:10-12)
The nations you will dispossess listen to those who practice sorcery or divination.  But as for you, the Lord your God has not permitted you to do so.  (18:14)

 Nowhere does it say it isn't possible.  It just says it's not allowed.   Not to mention, God makes so many exemptions to this rule, Moses included, but we'll see more of this in the future.

In (20:5-9) God is a little considerate for his young soldiers.  If a man is so young that he hasn't begun to enjoy his house or vineyard or wife or whatever, then he should go home instead of dying in battle.  How nice.

A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.  (22:5)

Oh and for the love of God DON'T take the bird when you take its eggs!   (22:6&7)

 If a man claims that his bride is not a virgin and he was caught lying about it, he has to pay a fine.  But if it's true, the woman must DIE!!  (22:21)

Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their fathers; each is to die for his own sin.  (24:16)

Nevermind when God punishes seven generations because one person fucked up, or slaughters thousands of children to punish a Pharaoh or two, or goes genocide-happy when a couple of people start whining because they're starving to death.  Do as I say, not as I do!
 

If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.   (25:11&12)

In (12:4) it says to not worship God in any other way aside from that which has been instructed by God, because any other way is detestable.  Especially if you do worship God the same way that pagans worship their gods.  So, when you think about it, you're all doing it wrong.

For example:  Ever wonder what the Christmas Tree has to do with the birth of Jesus, or the Easter Bunny has to do with the resurrection of Christ?  Well, I'll tell ya.  Nothing!  That's what!  Nothing about Christmas has anything to do with Christ!  The tree, holly, mistletoe, decorations, candles, caroling, all pagan tradition celebrating the Winter Solstice and hoping for the swift return of Spring. Being that these evergreens are for-ever-green and aren't hindered by harsh winters, this gives rise to hope for the spring, and decorations often celebrated pagan gods of fertility - again - for the hopes of spring.  [2]  And Easter, well, that's just a long one in and of itself ranging anywhere between the name of the holiday - which was named after the pagan goddess of spring fertility Eostre - to the fertility symbolism of rabbits and eggs (hence the term "fucking like rabbits").  [3]  Even the day on which Christ was supposedly born doesn't correlate with the timing of the holidays.  [4]  And guess what?  All of this shit PREDATES CHRISTIANITY!   So then, why are we celebrating Christian holidays on dates that aren't original to the scripture, or in ways that are otherwise forbidden in the Bible?  Easy.  All the better to Christianize with, my dear.  Back in the day, after the Roman Empire adopted Christianity as their official religion, they basically spread among Europe and converted damn near everybody to Christianity.  But the pagans weren't going to agree so easily.  So they made a deal: We'll let you celebrate however you want whenever you want, as long as you technically say it's in the name of the Christian God.  [5]  And voila!  You have Christmas Trees and Easter Bunnies!

Still think I'm being too fussy?  Fine.  Let's ask the Bible what it thinks about Christmas Trees.

Do not learn the ways of the nations or be terrified by signs in the sky, though the nations are terrified by them.  For the customs of the peoples are worthless; they cut a tree out of the forest, and a craftsman shapes it with his chisel.  They adorn it with silver and gold; they fasten it with hammer and nails so it will not totter.  Like a scarecrow in a melon patch, their idols cannot speak; they must be carried because they cannot walk.  Do not fear them; they can do no harm nor can they do any good.  (Jeremiah 10:1-5)

Look it up, bitches!

Random:  "The Lord will circumcise your hearts..." (30:6)

Then the Lord your God will make you most prosperous in all the work of your hands and in the fruit of your womb, the young of your livestock and the crops of your land.  (30:9)

Okay, so God says that if you're prosperous in anyway, it's because God made you so.  Well, what about Canaan that seems to kick so much ass in prosperity when they're all a bunch of abominable heathens?  Okay, so it's possible that God was just preparing that land for the Hebrews.  But what about Egypt?  Pharaoh clearly stated in Exodus that he had no fucking idea who this "God" was, so Egypt was a pretty "God"less country.  Yet, when Abraham set out to go do stuff back in Genesis, he and his sisterwife went to Egypt because the land they were currently staying in was going through famine and Egypt was exploding with prosperity.  Although it doesn't specifically say that you can't have a prosperous land without God, it kind of does point all of the credit to God whenever it so suits the situation.  Hrm...

Another mention of other gods.  Interpret this as you will

They made him jealous with their foreign gods and angered him with their detestable idols.  They sacrificed to demons, which are not God - gods they had not known, gods that recently appeared, gods your fathers did not fear.  (32:16&17)

Yeah, then Moses died.  Pretty much some time shortly after he came down from that mountain where God told him to take a good look at the Promised Land that he's not going to get to step foot in, he died there in Moab.  And yeah... that's basically the end of Deuteronomy.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anak

2. http://www.religioustolerance.org/xmas_tree.htm

3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C4%92ostre
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Easter_bunny#Rabbits_and_hares

4. http://biblelight.net/sukkoth.htm

5. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christianization