Preparations before Battle
Before we set out into Canaan, Joshua needed to take care of a few things first. One thing in particular is reminding the Hebrews to follow the Mosaic Law.
Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. (1:7&8)I can't help but touch on this part about prosperity and success. Again, the Canaanites were without God (or at least without the God of Israel) yet they supposedly had the most flourishing land in all the world. Let's jump ahead for a second to view God's reasoning for drought and prosperity.
When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, if my people... will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. (2 Chronicles 7:13&14)It seems that when a land is prosperous and fertile, it's because God is blessing the land, and the opposite goes for when a land is full of sinners. Okay, maybe God was just preparing the Promised Land for the coming of the Hebrews by using the Canaanites. But let's look at this from a multicultural perspective. Remember Baal of Peor back in Numbers 25? Many other cultures - the Canaanites included - worshiped Baal. As we read onward, you'll see throughout the Bible that God appears threatened by Baal and constantly warns the Hebrews against Baal worship. Yes, this was a bad thing to put any other gods before God. Shit, it's the first of the Ten Commandments, both in the original and the new-and-improved. But, as you'll find out, much of the time that the Hebrews go astray, it's to Baal. Well, if you do a little bit of research, you'll find that Baal is the god of fertility and rain. [1] It seems that Baal was doing a better job at keeping his people alive than God was, which explains why the Hebrews turned to Baal back in Numbers and why they'll continue to do so in the biblical future.
But let's not get mythologically ahead of ourselves here. Put two and two together. If you're in a certain location on the globe, you'll likely come across different climate and weather. Since they had no better way of explaining these attributes, they just blamed it on the gods. Just wanted to make that clear, we have more than enough reason to know that God has nothing to do with the weather.
Okay, I've gotten ahead of myself here. Let's continue with the story.
Shortly after they cross the Jordan River into Canaan, they decided to have a circumcision party. Literally, Joshua just went on a penis-mutilating frenzy, hacking off foreskins left and right. So many foreskins, in fact, that they named the place "Gibeath Haaroloth" which means "hill of foreskins". (5:2-8 cliffnote e)
So after they hacked up everybody's wieners, they headed out to cross the Jordan, which they had accomplished the same way they crossed the Red Sea. The waters divided and created a dry path for them to walk through. It seems like dividing bodies of water is the new trend these days. Everything short of tomato soup, which was later accomplished in 2003.
Then they Blair-Witched the place with a bunch of stones so they could tell their kids the story of how God parted the Jordan River.He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God. (4:24)Again with the fear. Seriously, God has a complex.
The Fall of Jericho
This battle is very important because it signifies the beginning of their basically never-ending crusades to conquer the world, starting with Canaan. Incidentally, the Canaanites heard about what happened with the Jordan River, so they were afraid of the Hebrews and locked their doors up tight behind their big ass wall. So the Hebrews marched around the wall of Jericho for seven days, then they sounded some trumpets and gave a big hoot n' holler and the wall came tumbling down. Not from any ordinary cause. The Hebrews were just so damn loud that they broke the sound barrier and knocked a wall down from the vibrations. Or something. Kind of makes me think of Horton Hears A Who.
They devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it - men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep, and donkeys. (6:21)Other Battles
Then they burned the whole city and everything in it... (6:24)
At that time Joshua pronounced this solemn oath: "Cursed before the Lord is the man who undertakes to rebuild this city, Jericho:
At the cost of his firstborn son
will he lay its foundations;
at the cost of his youngest
will he set up its gates." (6:27)
Then a few scouts went into Ai and came back with a report, telling Joshua that they don't need to send a bunch of people into Ai because there are only a few men living there. So they only sent three thousand men to take over Ai. (Now, if that's not a tank in a field of daisies, I don't know what is.) However, God was mad at the Israelites because some guy named Achan took a couple of devoted objects from God. So these few men of Ai killed a whole whopping 36 Israelites out of the three thousand and the Israelites cried "Wee wee wee" all the way home. Of course, the Israelites blamed the death of those 36 on Achan, so they killed him. But God wasn't happy with just his death. Nope. God wanted his sons and daughters stoned to death too. And his sheep. And his cattle. And his donkeys. And even that wasn't enough. They had to burn all of the dead bodies. And then they tossed a bunch of big rocks on top of the ashes. It's a wonder they didn't piss on the grave too. Later, they went back and took over those few men in Ai and burned that place to the ground as well. (Chapters 7&8)
Then some Gibeonites heard how awesome the Israelites are, so they decided to come in peace and make a treaty with them. And they did.
So the king of Jerusalem and a few other kings rose up against Gibeon and attacked them. The Gibeonites cried out to the Israelites for help, so Joshua and his fighting men took the people of Jerusalem by surprise after an all-night march. Then God hurled down a bunch of hailstones and killed more people than the Israelites did by the sword. Then Joshua asked God to make the sun stand still so they could completely defeat the king of Jerusalem. And so God made the sun stand still for a full day. The Israelites killed everybody, then captured the five kings that went after Gibeon and Joshua told the Gibeonites to stomp on their necks. Then they hung their dead bodies on some trees, and then they went home. (Chapters 9&10)
How is this possible for the sun to stand still, you might ask? Well, it's not. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense. But let's take a little peak at the people who might take stories like these at face value.
Need I say more? Moving on.
Okay, so some more people and kings were killed, and some settlements were made and land was allotted to some people, and so on and what not. But, here in this very book, the secrets to God's motivations for all of this bloodshed are revealed! Let's see if this sounds familiar to you.
For it was the Lord himself who hardened their hearts to wage war against Israel, so that he might destroy them totally, exterminating them without mercy, as the Lord had commanded Moses. (11:20)Sounds a little bit like the bullshit in Egypt, right? Moving on.
It says in chapter 17:12&13 that they were unable to occupy some of the cities because the Canaanites were determined to live there. Ignoring the point that, for whatever reason, God couldn't drive out the Canaanites at that time, it then states that the Israelites subjected the Canaanites to forced labor but did not drive them out completely.
Ain't that a bitch? Being a slave in your own country and having God set his judgements against you just because you're different.
Anyway, Joshua almost took down some old fighting men of Gilead after they had paid their dues and returned home, because they put up a damn altar. But he changed his mind at the last minute because the people of Gilead had to convince him that they weren't putting any offerings or sacrifices to any other god. It was just to symbolize that they helped the Hebrews during their beginning battles. Geez, Josh, take a pill. (Chapter 22)
Then, right before Joshua dies, he makes all the Israelites swear that they'll do what God says. He reminds them that they are witnesses against themselves, but that's not good enough. He, then, sets up his own rock and says,
"See! This stone will be a witness against us. It has heard all the words the Lord has said to us. It will be a witness against you if you are untrue to your God." (24:27)Hrm... Okay... So it's totally fine if Joshua sets up his own stupid rock, not just for some simple sentimental value, but to actually suggest that the rock has ears and can hear not only what people say, but what God says! Need I remind you what the Bible thinks about things like this? Remember the quote from Jeremiah about Christmas Trees that I cited in the last blog entry? "...The customs of these peoples are worthless... their idols cannot speak; they must be carried because they cannot walk. Do not fear them; they can do no harm nor can they do any good." Oh, but a rock is totally a reasonable exception. At least trees aren't inanimate objects!
And that's basically the book of Joshua. Tune in next time when we get to meet the infamous Samson and some other fun crazies in the book of Judges!
[1] http://www.pantheon.org/articles/b/baal.html
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